We rode in silence neither attempting to open our mouths. I didn’t dare look at him. I couldn’t. His face so familiar; I couldn’t bear to read his thoughts. I didn’t want to see his hurt. It was night. We left as late as we could, not wanting to admit we had to go. His hand reached across the space between us and spoke what neither of us could voice.
I closed my eyes thinking perhaps when I opened them again I would return to reality – the reality I wished for. I strained my ears wanting to hear a baby in the car seat behind me, but it sat empty, straps flopped open. I thought of my baby girl and my heart screamed out “turn around” as we placed more miles between us. How could we leave her?
There was something so wrong about our departure. No nurse pushed me to the car with a pink bundle wrapped tightly in my lap. We pushed our cart of luggage to the car alone and loaded it easily. No excitement. No fanfare. No photos.
I tried focusing on the good night’s sleep I’ll be getting, but I know I won’t. Each night since her birth, I’ve awoken in the middle of the night missing her. My tears don’t hurry her progress, but I shed them nonetheless. It’s Friday night and traffic is heavy as people scurry about eating dinner, going to movies, and shopping. I want them to stop. Don’t they know my world is off kilter? How can they sit and laugh over cheesecake and frappachinos?
Even as I think it, I know I was doing the same only days before, while others drove about hurting.
I breathe in deep – the one simple act I wish my newborn child could master – and tell myself His grace is sufficient.
Cover me, Lord. I’m getting drenched in this storm. I need your shelter. Assure me you are close by. Help me to be thankful for the blessings. I know there are many. It’s just that today, I’m having a hard time voicing them. Is that okay, Abba?
Grace Caroline Hatcher was born 9-9-09 at 8:51 a.m. She was 9 lbs. 8 oz. but was 4 wks early. She is currently in the NICU while waiting for her lungs to develop a little more fully. Today she is also under the photo light to help her jaundice. Please pray for her to grow quickly so she can return home with us. Please also pray for the many other babies in the NICU. We are not the only ones.