We rode in silence neither attempting to open our mouths. I didn’t dare look at him. I couldn’t. His face so familiar; I couldn’t bear to read his thoughts. I didn’t want to see his hurt. It was night. We left as late as we could, not wanting to admit we had to go. His hand reached across the space between us and spoke what neither of us could voice.
I’m here.
I closed my eyes thinking perhaps when I opened them again I would return to reality – the reality I wished for. I strained my ears wanting to hear a baby in the car seat behind me, but it sat empty, straps flopped open. I thought of my baby girl and my heart screamed out “turn around” as we placed more miles between us. How could we leave her?
There was something so wrong about our departure. No nurse pushed me to the car with a pink bundle wrapped tightly in my lap. We pushed our cart of luggage to the car alone and loaded it easily. No excitement. No fanfare. No photos.
No baby.
I tried focusing on the good night’s sleep I’ll be getting, but I know I won’t. Each night since her birth, I’ve awoken in the middle of the night missing her. My tears don’t hurry her progress, but I shed them nonetheless. It’s Friday night and traffic is heavy as people scurry about eating dinner, going to movies, and shopping. I want them to stop. Don’t they know my world is off kilter? How can they sit and laugh over cheesecake and frappachinos?
Even as I think it, I know I was doing the same only days before, while others drove about hurting.
I breathe in deep – the one simple act I wish my newborn child could master – and tell myself His grace is sufficient.
Cover me, Lord. I’m getting drenched in this storm. I need your shelter. Assure me you are close by. Help me to be thankful for the blessings. I know there are many. It’s just that today, I’m having a hard time voicing them. Is that okay, Abba?
Grace Caroline Hatcher was born 9-9-09 at 8:51 a.m. She was 9 lbs. 8 oz. but was 4 wks early. She is currently in the NICU while waiting for her lungs to develop a little more fully. Today she is also under the photo light to help her jaundice. Please pray for her to grow quickly so she can return home with us. Please also pray for the many other babies in the NICU. We are not the only ones.
Oh Carol…you must ache right now…I am so thankful that your sweet Grace has been born and is receiving the care she needs, but I hurt for your empty arms and pray that she will soon be able to come home.
Praying
Words are hard to give at times like this. I have been there too …
… the best others could do for me was to just be there and knowing that so many were asking God to intervene.
http://hizbabe.blogspot.com/2009/02/beyond-herself.html
Love you Carol. You are like my other little sister. When my friends and family hurt, I hurt. You and Alan are in my prayers.
Praying for little Grace and for you. I have heard your mothers cry … Laurie
Awww..Carol my heart is aching but not breaking because GRACE CAROLINE has arrived just couldn't wait…she wants to be a DIVINE NINE…all 9s.Her weight is good!
Are you sure she's early & you didn't figure wrong all along?
Her name is precious!Her tiny body is going to be filled with God's miracle & breathe of GRACE. Hold on…and I'll be praying for this
precious arrival of love! Allow your mind & body to rest & remain
strong for His Grace is sufficient & His love never fails. He loved Grace Caroline even as she was formed within you… every cell He knows so well. So we will trust Him & His complete Provision to surround you & your precious family. May He give wisdom & compassion for the hospital personnel as they care for her, may they be filled by His Spirit of Grace! May you find the GRACE you seek until she is safely home in your arms. His WORD promises to keep her safe from harm for He knows the plans He has for Grace Caroline, plans to prosper her & give her all the capacities she needs to breathe in His Spirit.
Congratulations!
Praying & Believing,
Peggy (((big hugs)))
I heard about Grace from Amy's blog at Signs, Miracles and Wonders. I will be praying for your little miracle baby. May the Lord strengthen her so you can bring her home with you soon.
I will include little Grace and your family in my prayers. I had a daughter born 6 weeks early and also had to leave her in the hospital while I went home. I know it is so difficult. My little one is now 18 years old and doing fine.
Oh Carol – I understand so much how you feel. Even though it was 45 years ago, I had a similar experience with our firstborn. You are all so covered by His outstretched wings – large enough for each of you to shelter and catch your breath awhile – He will take special care of your little one – get some vital rest for your body – it will stand you in good stead when little Grace improves.
Blessings!
Oh Carol! I am so sorry that you could not bring that beautiful bundle home with you yet. I cannot imagine.
Thank you for honestly sharing from your heart. I pray that Grace will be home sooon. She is a big girl! I can't wait to see photos of her home and nestled in the pink blanket in your arms.
Praying for your sweet little babe!
I found your blog through another, and I will definitely be praying for sweet Grace and your entire family. May God cover you with the peace you are seeking for at this moment.
Jessica
Praying for you and sweet little Grace.
Blessings,
Amy
My heart aches for you….Sending you many prayers….and much love
Please know that we are praying for Grace's quick recovery! We are also praying for your strength in the days ahead! Remember God's arms are wrapped tightly around your family and Grace!
Your friends at Cliffside Baptist Church
Praying for baby Grace.
Carol, I just saw this. I, too, had to leave the hospital when our baby girl was born. I will be praying for your precious girl. May the Lord bring you a miracle. Be blessed with peace and comfort.
Oh Carol-I haven't been reading and just looked today! I am sorry that your baby is in the hospital. I will lift you all up in prayer.
Dear Carol,
We will be praying for you and your family.
Grace has such a sweet name. May God shower His abundant Grace upon her.
Carol, We are praying for you and your sweet Grace. I know, there is nothing like leaving a baby behind in NICU. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I have had to do. I am praying for a very speedy recovery. Love you!!!
It's difficult to explain the roller coaster of emotion this experience brings. However, you have painted the picture so perfectly with your words. Your faith and knowledge that Grace is in God's hands and He is in complete control will bring you through. As so many others have shared…I, too, have experienced the joy of giving birth followed by the emptiness and sorrow of leaving her in NICU while returning to the home we prepared for her. Our Heather was born 3 months premature and weighed 2 lbs, 4 oz. Her stay in the hospital lasted 2 months. She is now in her 2nd year of college and totally, completely, healthy at 19 years old!! Praise the Lord for his blessing of miracles! We are praying for Grace and her continued strength and recovery!
I am so behind. We have been out of town and then offline for days! I just read the good news above in your newer post. Praise God!